That Drifting Excrement Was Way Too Symbolic! It's the TV Disappointments of the Past Year.
Looking back, we consider the television offerings of the past year, a handful of series emerge not for their excellence, but for their notable shortcomings. From cringe-inducing sequels to confusingly poor documentaries, here are the productions that left us utterly bewildered or just reaching for the remote.
The 'Sex and the City' Sequel
Where to begin with this love/hate follow-up? Plagued with woeful writing, painful character development (we demand better for Miranda!), and a paltry 71 seconds of beloved Samantha, the show fought to find its footing. Briefly, as the third series began, it seemed as if it had at last found its groove. Then came an installment all about Seema’s natural deodorant. Little surprise the creator announced this would be the last season. It ended on a bum note; the closeup of Miranda’s toilet full of poo was just way too on-the-nose. Still, viewers undeniably found joy dissecting every single “what on earth?” moment. And as Carrie – once again single – twirled around her sprawling townhouse to Barry White, who didn’t release a small sob?
All’s Fair
‘Can Kim Kardashian act? The answer is a resounding no.’
But that was practically the smallest of this show's problems. The recipient of a exceedingly uncommon zero star review, it was difficult to know where to start enumerating the problems. The laughably wooden dialogue? The tedious veneration of wealth and materialism? The almost wilful procession of cliches? Performances so poor they felt borderline spiteful? Let’s just say “each and every one” and forget about this show again. However, a second season has been ordered, so we’re probably going to have to.
AKA Charlie Sheen
Considering the restraining orders, domestic violence claims and parental failures, it’s fair to say Charlie Sheen has been a troubled figure. Not that you’d truly have gleaned it from this multi-part documentary which smirked its way at Sheen’s various bouts of self-destructive hedonism while struggling to tell us a single thing we weren't already aware of. Instead, it felt as if this loose cannon was being pandered to, so any sympathy this show might induce should be saved for the people who have had to suffer proximity with this charming but dismissive narcissist.
The Supercomputer Drama
Naturally we knew it was ridiculous from the outset: a drama about a supercomputer known as Charlie Big Potatoes that could either solve global crises – or annihilate all of humanity. We persevered out of pure love for its leads … but by the end, it felt like even they had stopped bothering. One barely cared when his character died, and the other ultimately hacking Charlie with an axe … in super slow-motion. That's what you call admitting defeat.
The Gangster Drama
Shady figures convening in empty boxing gyms? A certain band's Firestarter blaring in club scenes? The late 90s called and wants its crime drama back.
In truth, that is harsh on the crime shows of the late 90s. Many seem a little old-fashioned now, but at least they didn’t endure the embarrassment of having to accommodate unconvincing accents. But there were plenty of other issues. Primarily that it was just really dull; a conflict over narcotics territory between various cockney picaresques which seemed rather simplistic.
The Meghan Markle Series
Considering the degree to which she provokes the ire of the nation’s performatively enraged commentators, it’s almost easy to admire the Duchess of Sussex’s televised forays into twee homemaking as intentional statements. But then you watch them and are compelled to concede that actually, they might have a point. It’s like watching a lifestyle magazine come to life; a poster for wine o’clock with delusions of grandeur; a parade of sleeping dogs, humming beehives, sentimental platitudes and pointless crafting “tips” you’ll not remember instantly. All underpinned by vast, mostly undeserved wealth. Ugh.
The Beckham Documentary
There are clearly interesting things to be discussed about regarding Victoria Beckham and her journey with vocation, identity, self-acceptance. But for some reason, this three-part series opted not to say them. Instead, the viewing was like consuming a sales catalogue. She obviously has every right to resent what she describes as her “stern” image. But sadly, she didn’t do herself any helps with this guarded letdown of a series.
The Game Show
It should have been the next cultural phenomenon – except even more extravagant, with a glamorous star as a deceased benefactor and a sharp-tongued personality managing her inheritance. What more could you ask for? As contestants battled it out, there was plenty of betrayal and squabbling. But the rules quickly became bewildering: it’s even now too confusing to detail what precisely was happening. Even more regrettably, we only saw glimpses of the star via prerecorded videos. The series ended up reeking of a programme that was straining desperately to live up to something way beyond it.
The Lena Dunham Romcom
How do you succeed a show that captured a generation? The expectation was enormous for this starry romantic comedy about Jessica, a rosy-eyed New Yorker who arrives in London with a shattered romance. The lead actress took her biggest role by the horns and was a delight to watch, embodying Jane Austen levels of romantic notions. But it was all very slick and, paradoxically, was insufficient. Plus, the sheer amount of famous cameos involved felt icky.
The Sketch Show Return
Not even good enough to be ‘patchy’.
Given the smart inclusion of gifted emerging comics, hopes were high. But sadly, most of it fell flat. A particular sketch was a single joke stretched to a dry pulp but recurring in every episode. One star seemed too willing to slip into a well-known irate mode. The writing room sketches, in contrast, simply provoked the idea that they should probably have remained in there a bit longer.
The Knox Dramatisation
This dramatisation of the story of Amanda Knox was overseen by Amanda Knox and pretty much exclusively presented the perspective of Amanda Knox. So, while there undoubtedly is an interesting drama to be made about the horrific 2007 murder, this isn’t it. The material needed to be handled sensitively. Instead, the series struggled painfully to find the right tone, lumbering from strangely jaunty, somewhat mannered farce to ultimately, real-life horror. Complex? Perhaps. A total mess? Very much so.
Prime Target
We love the star … but did we believe him playing the most brilliant maths genius since, a man so smart he’s on the brink of a discovery that could destabilise society? Nope! This international thriller about secret services targeting – and killing off – intellectuals honestly got more farcical by the second. Formulaic nonsense.
1000 Men and Me: The Bonnie Blue Story
This hagiography followed the online personality renowned for explicit exploits as she undertook her most extreme challenge yet. What on earth would motivate her? What we wanted was far greater interrogation of her true psyche, plus those of the men in the line. They could at least have interviewed the legendary mum who appeared to drag her son out of the queue. What we got was disturbing imagery and absolutely no critical analysis of her infamy whatsoever. It's staggering to consider, the documentary-maker has a young daughter too.